The Pain- Old Post from 4-11-12

 If I close my eyes I can remember.
Remember what it used to be like before everything changed.
Before I got rescued by thorns and nails.
I can take a deep breath and tell myself not to forget. Never forget where you where.
I can travel back to that time....
To a time of soul torture and  
Sometimes If I dwell to long I can almost taste the pain


No desire to wake up
Please clock tell me you are deceiving me
I am not ready to face this day
Five more minutes might be all I get to hide away
There has to be more then I am getting...
Getting out of bed at the last possible minute
Getting Dressed in a coat of Heaviness
My legs pulled down with shame
A large belt of guilt resting close to my stomach
My upper body is clothed with sadness especially right next to my heart
Tears are already forming at my eyes but I wipe them
because anger is taking over. Its the only way to Survive.

Survival-Not sure how I am doing but I am trying
Keeping everyone at a distance so I can watch them.
I don't trust any of them. Anyone to be exact
But deep down I am nervous of what they see.
I ruminate until I am sick.
How can I keep my voices in check? 
Voices of doubt and accusation fill my head all day long.
I am on such a delicate balance that any bit of criticism can take me over the edge
I can't even remember how many times I have said "I give up"
Is anyone listening to me? Can anyone see I am hurting?
If they can they aren't doing a damn thing to help me.


Me. That is all I can think about.
How can I think of anyone else when no one is thinking of me?
Caught in a self loathing mess with no way of knowing how to get out.
If only my mind could take a break....even at night
Everything seems to get intensified and I can't even sleep.
How I long to "check out"
yet there is something always going on....
There you are Pain. Stronger then ever.
I sometimes don't know if you or I will win.


If I close my eyes I can remember.
Remember what it used to be like before everything changed.
Before I got rescued by thorns and nails.
I can take a deep breath and tell myself not to forget. Never forget where you where.
I can travel back to that time....
To a time of soul torture and  
I don't have to dwell any longer
For the pain has passed away
The price has been paid

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