My H.E.A.R.T. Story

To set the context: My current life song has been Samurai Sword by Highasakite.  I love deep/sad music because it helps me connect to the parts of me I don't always know how to address. I have been listening to this on repeat for days. I showed this song to Noemi when I got to Texas and we both had it on repeat during the trip. She is also a 4 on the ennegram (if you don't know your number look it up).  Sunday night we decided to stay in and eat homemade flan (although I was not allowed into the kitchen). The rain began to fall. It was gentle at first and quickly became a thunderstorm. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9R1QB0m91RY  (listen to this before reading the rest) This poem is dedicated to anyone who has every struggled with their faith, connection to the universe, or place in this world. You are not alone and whatever your belief system is, you absolutely matter! Love Like A Rainstorm  Rain falls down All I can do it look out the window I see your...

I walked in the door of the rusted coffee shop. Tears flowed from my eyes before I speak a word. "I am sorry I am late." I say out loud. But inside I say "I am afraid you will reject me." The stakes are low. A friend wanting to catch up but I am already thinking the worst. I delay my attendance to a meeting. My heart feels heavy and I have nothing to give. "I haven't ate." I say out loud "I am afraid." my heart screams out. They don't know how to address me. I have no idea how to stop this feeling. I drive away when you jumped out the car. My heart heard - you didn't want me at all. You really said you would be right back. I head home you call my phone. I worried you don't care You are worried you said something wrong. This list goes on and my heart is really raw. I don't know how to soothe this pain on my own. Wounds from forever and forever ago. After reflection I can see I have needs that...

You hid my light when you told me not to be so loving and passionate and completely free You hid my affection when you told me to stop kissing and hugging and singing and what not You hid my innocence when you told me to not tell or to try to because the consequences wouldn't be well You hid my sanity when you constantly accused me of being unbalanced and completely crazy You hid my hope when you said this is it and no one would love me more than you did You hid my freedom when you controlled my wardrobe and how long my hair grew and even my foes You hid ME from your life, family and friends Even to the point that I was almost to my end You hid me when I was a baby, a little girl, a young woman You had many roles and all were quite harmful You told me you would protect me yet you didn't know how And now no one will ever hide me because I am proud Proud of who I am and how much I have grown And I will never go back to being under a stone Your empty ...

There are lots of things that are out of balance in this world and I think one of them is the way we love ourselves v.s. how we love others. Our culture at large celebrates companionship and leaves an unspoken rule of unworthiness if you do not or cannot find a companion. Who cares if you are content alone or if you have contributed to the advancement of the world....can you make a relationship last? Our society celebrates being in a relationship. I have noticed a the pull towards romanticizing reality.  I am a type 4 on the enneagram I tend to do that anyways. Movies, music, and literature hype up the life changing moment when you meet the "one" and illustrate the daunting reality when that connection is severed. Even if disconnecting is for the health of each individuals is it still pretty damn scary. I have noticed that my clients (and myself) struggle with the concept of self love. It feels selfish and counter intuitive therefore pursuing self-care is not a priority. ...

I have thought about writing something on here for months now... but I haven't been able to articulate a post that could introduce all the other topics I wanted to write about. Honestly I would stay up late at night thinking of what to write, but by the morning time my words would be lost. This blog was created so that I could write about my journey through life and how I have found ways to heal my soul. Funny how I could create such a space and also not feel safe enough to share my story. Ironic! However, I stopped questioning my madness and decided to trust this process.  My entire life I have felt I was unable to love or be loved. The reason is long and complicated and I am not ready to write all of that down in a blog. In fact, I haven't really been ready to share my story with very many people in my life. Love has always been complicated to me in all aspects of it yet, I am committed to figuring it out because human connection is beautiful and I desire to connect wi...