All of Me:The Integration of Self Who Does Not Fear Intimacy

“Be like the sun for grace and mercy. Be like the night to cover others' faults. Be like running water for generosity. Be like death for rage and anger. Be like the Earth for modesty. Appear as you are. Be as you appear.” 

― Rumi

We are such complex beings with many different parts of ourselves looking for harmony within. So many factors contribute to our development and we are tasked with the journey of trying to keep ourselves "balanced" as we take in new experiences, information, and people. Some parts of ourselves are refined, finely tuned, and adjusted. Other parts are thrown out completely to make room for a completely different schema! And the work is never ending as we continue to grow.

Recently I have been using Internal Family Systems theory (IFS) as a framework for my own understanding and growth. Identifying the different parts within myself has been beneficial to loving myself and honoring the ways I have learned to protect myself from pain and hurt. Thankfully I have a Spiritual director who is trained in IFS and can help me identify each part. I have learned some coping mechanisms are helpful for certain times in our life, but as we grow we may not need them anymore (Cue the Frozen Hit: Let it go).

 I recognize very distinct parts of myself are often times in opposition. Usually I would get mad at myself for not being consistent within or not being a cookie cutter of what society expect me to be (Christian, Latina, Woman, College Graduate, Daughter, etc). Now, I am wondering if these inconsistencies are the tensions of life that I must sit with. That WE all must sit with.  I am now learning to integrate the different parts of myself to find my own truths, my own boundaries, and my own beliefs. I cannot simply take what someone else has told me to be truth without my own investigation and internal processing.  And I am learning to keep people around me who are open to fluctuation or who can handle the deeper questions of life. This process is internal and external.

It is easy to call someone a slut but harder to stand by them and discover the problems that really drive his/her behavior. It's hard to see the light within people when we label them.

I often times find myself compartmentalized. I think most people have those moments of internal dialogue when interacting with people. (Maybe even subconsciously)

"These people are safe to share this side of me."
"This situation calls for more of this quality."
"I must hide these parts of me for them because they will judge me."

Really this is just fear. Fear of being rejected and unlovable, so we choose to hide.

The separations of self can be exhausting...as well as hiding the most intimate parts of ourselves. We sometimes call this putting on masks, being two-faced, or trying to fit in. I think the issue is much deeper: We do not live in a culture that values people being authentic and we don't want to get involved in people's messy lives.

So, I guess we are called to be counter cultural in this sense. I am learning I am more my authentic self when I am around people who are their authentic self. Mostly because they allow the space for difference, pain, and joy. When people allow others to be real they don't have to hid themselves, because it is a lot of energy to pretend and guard our true self. As a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) I can feel when people are guarded and to some degree we all can (HSP or not).

Overall, what I am trying to get at is: We cannot be intimate with others if we are not intimate with ourselves. We cannot accept others if we cannot accept ourselves. If we allow ourselves to discover the ambiguity, tension, and inconsistencies within ourselves we can connect more to the human experience and have grace towards others. I hate to break it to you: NO ONE IS PERFECT.
Seeing someone I respect be vulnerable and real with me has been more beneficial then knowing they are strong and able to get through anything.

So, this challenge to dig deep is always an invitation for myself first. But I hope you are willing to do it to. Our world needs more people who can be intimate and can love unconditionally. How else can we heal the brokenness of our brothers and sisters? We are all equipped to do so! And we need our brothers and sisters to help ourselves heal and grow (it's a reciprocal thing).

Action Plan:
1) Meditate at least three times a week. Sit with stillness to know who you are and honor your creator. (God, the Universe, a higher power, etc.)
2) Identify the different parts of yourself. What parts protect you? What parts of yourself give you hope? Peace? Discern danger? Incorporate spirituality? What past experiences have helped you grow and which have limited you? What parts of yourself are you not happy with? Ashamed of ? Shed some loving light on those parts of you. An addiction can be a lack of connection. Anger can be a protector of deep hurt. Overeating can be a way to numb deep and devastating pain. Trying to appear perfect can be a shield against our fears of incompetency. Consider a Therapist, Spiritual Director, Pastor, or Mentor to help you shed the light on these dark spots. 
3) Journal about this experience and discovery (Or do some artwork, play music, or something to express and process the experience).
4) Have compassion on  yourself.
5)Have compassion for others (we are all a work in progress)


Feel free to comment! I welcome your response.