Grief of a Mexicana: A Visit From My Grandma (Updated)

I have always been sensitive to the spiritual world. I know that statement may have you questioning  if you want to continue reading but hear me out. Part of my culture has embraced the mystical aspects of faith and family but yet others within do not believe it is even possible. However, I noticed when a moment of need came most of my own family believed.  Below is sections of a paper I wrote in Seminary two years ago right after my Nana (Orona) died. My family felt her presence and was comforted as she passed on.
I found this information useful again a few weeks ago when I had a dream of my Grandma (Hernandez) who passes away a year ago tomorrow (September 12. 2014). I was wrestling with some huge spiritual issues (technically I still am) and not sure of how I should go forth. Sleep had become scarce and I was feeling unsure if I had strength to continue. I repressed grieving my grandma for so many reasons (complicated grief). However I learned to cope by having her with me daily in some form of her clothing, jewelry, or simply having her rosary in my room (it hangs with my Nana's prayer veil).  One night a few weeks ago I tossed and turned in bed and she came to me in a dream. 

She came dancing towards me as if her legs were those of a ballet dancer. 

She had a flowing dress that swayed as she pranced towards me. 

We were in her old house walking down the hall. 

She came face to face with me and had the biggest brightest smile I had ever seen. 

I couldn't help but gasp. I sobbed uncontrollably. 

"Grandma I miss you so much! Do you miss me?" 

She held me and nodded as I continued to cry.

I woke up shortly after that crying, but also with a huge sense of peace. She knew I needed her in that moment for strength to carry on. What a beautiful blessing that I will never forget. What I know to be true is she is happy, but she misses her family too.

I hope you find the information below healing and helpful.

           When a loved one passes away each person has their beliefs of where they go and when the spirit leaves. Each culture has beliefs on the limits and abilities the deceased have to communicate with those still living. In the Mexican-American culture many people believe that those who have passed away communicate with their loved ones for specific purposes. The belief that communication is possible can bring healing and comfort to grieving family members. Family members may also be scared because a visit from a decease family member may not be viewed as permissible.

Lynch and Hanson (2004) affirm many beliefs and practices with death and aging are rooted in the Catholic faith. Death is viewed as the will of God and many days of grieving, praying the rosary and being together are common with in the Mexican-American family. On the day of the dead (Dia De Los Muertos) in November family members that have passed away are presented with food, skull decorations, and celebrating death as a natural part of life. Lynch and Hanson (2004) state this ritual is connected to the Mayan culture's understanding about death. 

           Tatum also writes about Dia De Los Muertos (day of the dead) and how this tradition is closely related to the Catholic holiday All souls day. The souls of beloved family members visit home and their relatives will built alters and make their favorite foods. The symbolism of skulls are used to remind everyone that regardless of status, wealth, or health we all are skeletons underneath and we will all die one day. Mexican-American’s generally invite the spirits and souls of their loved ones to come to them not only on Dia De Los Muertos, but in dreams, to say goodbye, to inform them of important information, and to communicate how much they miss the family.

            Schoulte (2011) explains that grief and mourning are different. Mourning is how a certain culture/community demonstrates their sadness (outward expression). Grief is the thoughts and feelings a person has once a loved one is lost (internal pain). Each influences the other but normally the culture dictates the mourning practices. These words have been used interchangeably but it is important to remember the clear difference from internal feelings and external expression of losing a loved one. Psychology understand the internal pain and suffering that humans may experience, but understanding how that pain is expressed culturally will help others understand the process with better clarity.

            Schoulte (2011) conducted a study to find out if Latino families do continue relationships with their deceased loved ones through dream, storytelling, their presence, faith and proximity connections, and rituals. He used a survey model to carry out his research. He found death cannot separate family because it is one of the most important structures within this culture. This belief influences how the family mourns and grieves the loss of the physical presence of their family member.

Krause & Bastida (2009) conducted a research project that asked older Mexican-Americans about their beliefs and experiences with contacting the dead. Many of the participants firmly believed that the dead could connect them while others were fearful and not open to having communication with the dead. This shows the range of beliefs within a cultural group, not all of them believed it was possible or wanted it to happen. Those who were scared of having the dead contact them reported telling the dead to go back to where they belong because they don’t belong here on earth anymore.

In the study the experience of a deceased loved one ranged from: dreams, footsteps, smells, feelings of presence, and signs. The reasons for communication between the deceased and the living revealed from this study were: comfort during the grieving process from the deceased, the living calling on the deceased for comfort, the dead have special powers therefore they are called upon to help with situations, and it helps ensure a transition into the next life (Krause & Bastida, 2009).

Researchers found that regardless of the belief if the dead was able to come back to their loved ones or not, the participants found comfort in talking with the dead to solve problems. A Man in the study did not believe coming back to communicate was possible but he still talked to his deceased wife and found comfort is working out his current problems. 

            Many people within the Mexican-American culture believe communicating with the dead is a natural part of life. The dead can offer advice, bring comfort, and look out for the living. This belief is rooted in the culture from religious influences and ancient ancestors and can be experienced daily. Grandma visiting the family during a difficult time is not uncommon and though sometimes their presence can be uncomfortable and unwanted, many times it is welcomed and celebrated. 

References:

Krause, N., & Bastida, E. (2009). EXPLORING THE INTERFACE BETWEEN RELIGION AND CONTACT WITH THE DEAD AMONG OLDER MEXICAN AMERICANS. Review Of Religious Research, 51(1), 5-20.

Lynch, E. W. & Hanson, M. J. (eds.). (2004) Developing Cross-Culture Competence (3^rd ed.). Grand Rapids, MI: Paul H. Brooks Publishing Co.

McGoldrick, M., Giordano J. & Garcia-Preto, N. (Eds.). (2005) Ethnicity & Family Therapy (3^rd ed.). New York, NY: The Guilford Press.

Schoulte, J. C. (2011). Bereavement Among African Americans and Latino/a Americans. Journal Of Mental Health Counseling, 33(1), 11-20.

Tatum, C. M. (2001) Chicano Popular Culture. Tucson, AZ: The University of Arizona Press.