My Love is like a Rose

I have thought about writing something on here for months now... but I haven't been able to articulate a post that could introduce all the other topics I wanted to write about. Honestly I would stay up late at night thinking of what to write, but by the morning time my words would be lost. This blog was created so that I could write about my journey through life and how I have found ways to heal my soul. Funny how I could create such a space and also not feel safe enough to share my story. Ironic! However, I stopped questioning my madness and decided to trust this process. 

My entire life I have felt I was unable to love or be loved. The reason is long and complicated and I am not ready to write all of that down in a blog. In fact, I haven't really been ready to share my story with very many people in my life. Love has always been complicated to me in all aspects of it yet, I am committed to figuring it out because human connection is beautiful and I desire to connect with God. I also wanted to connect with and love myself. Seriously this is really hard to do and I know others struggle with this too. 

My commitment to love (I am talking about a broad view of love: self, friends, family, God, and a romantic partner) has taken me on a journey to spiritual direction. I am thankful to have a spiritual director who is wise, kind, and an artist. I told her one day I wanted to understand how I love and she helped me use symbolism and imagery to capture what I was feeling. 

I was able to identify what my love looked like before and it resembled cancer. Dark, unhealthy, and way out of portion.  It was casing me so much pain and suffering yet nothing seemed to cure me. I never wanted this type of love and I longed to be light hearted and balanced. But cancer really? I couldn't help but think of one of my first heartbreaks in life: my father's death due to cancer. 

Thankfully we continued with the process and I was able to see the transformation begin to take place.

 I saw this cancer transform into a small green plant that began to grow from the brown earth. It fought to grow in such a vulnerable state, but the sunshine sustained it. The rain gave the roots a everlasting drink to continue to grow. A rose bud emerged in the process and sprouted a beautiful rose. The rose bush grew and thorns began to protect the roses from danger. The shit of life supplies the nutrients to encourage cyclical growth. The rose bush has to be pruned to grow new roses in the following season. Death has to occur so new life can begin. Pain is present yet the freshly cut roses serve a purpose for someplace else even if the rose bush never knows why. Everything in an ecosystem is connected.

My rose is fragile and delicate yet there is sweet aroma that continues to escape it petals despite the conditions of the soil or sun. The drought looms a huge threat but somehow it survives. Protected by thorns of wisdom, the rose can be the rose. That is the rose's purpose: to be. Not as a spectacle of beauty or as a factory supply of hallmark consumption but as a member of an ecosystem that needs the rose to be the rose. 

Today I told someone my story. I cried and wondered if I would be rejected, but I was embraced with love and acceptance. In fact, I was honored with my friend's story in return. We both experienced release of shame and the fragrance of love overwhelmed our conversation. Are we all holding back our true selves because we are afraid? How did we come to live in such a world that does not value truth and transparency?

I am growing. A prayer I planted so long ago and now I can see the growth rapidly increase. Don't get me wrong I have a long journey ahead of me as we all do. I am just ready to be me in all my imperfections and past history. I won’t apologize for being sensitive or growing from the shit in my life. I am part of this world to be. To grow from others and to contribute my part in this world.

My love is like a Rose and I continue to discover what meaning this holds for me. 

My love is like a Rose and I will be.