My H.E.A.R.T. Story

You hid my light when you told me not to be so loving and passionate and completely free You hid my affection when you told me to stop kissing and hugging and singing and what not You hid my innocence when you told me to not tell or to try to because the consequences wouldn't be well You hid my sanity when you constantly accused me of being unbalanced and completely crazy You hid my hope when you said this is it and no one would love me more than you did You hid my freedom when you controlled my wardrobe and how long my hair grew and even my foes You hid ME from your life, family and friends Even to the point that I was almost to my end You hid me when I was a baby, a little girl, a young woman You had many roles and all were quite harmful You told me you would protect me yet you didn't know how And now no one will ever hide me because I am proud Proud of who I am and how much I have grown And I will never go back to being under a stone Your empty ...

There are lots of things that are out of balance in this world and I think one of them is the way we love ourselves v.s. how we love others. Our culture at large celebrates companionship and leaves an unspoken rule of unworthiness if you do not or cannot find a companion. Who cares if you are content alone or if you have contributed to the advancement of the world....can you make a relationship last? Our society celebrates being in a relationship. I have noticed a the pull towards romanticizing reality.  I am a type 4 on the enneagram I tend to do that anyways. Movies, music, and literature hype up the life changing moment when you meet the "one" and illustrate the daunting reality when that connection is severed. Even if disconnecting is for the health of each individuals is it still pretty damn scary. I have noticed that my clients (and myself) struggle with the concept of self love. It feels selfish and counter intuitive therefore pursuing self-care is not a priority. ...

I have thought about writing something on here for months now... but I haven't been able to articulate a post that could introduce all the other topics I wanted to write about. Honestly I would stay up late at night thinking of what to write, but by the morning time my words would be lost. This blog was created so that I could write about my journey through life and how I have found ways to heal my soul. Funny how I could create such a space and also not feel safe enough to share my story. Ironic! However, I stopped questioning my madness and decided to trust this process.  My entire life I have felt I was unable to love or be loved. The reason is long and complicated and I am not ready to write all of that down in a blog. In fact, I haven't really been ready to share my story with very many people in my life. Love has always been complicated to me in all aspects of it yet, I am committed to figuring it out because human connection is beautiful and I desire to connect wi...

I have always been sensitive to the spiritual world. I know that statement may have you questioning  if you want to continue reading but hear me out. Part of my culture has embraced the mystical aspects of faith and family but yet others within do not believe it is even possible. However, I noticed when a moment of need came most of my own family believed.  Below is sections of a paper I wrote in Seminary two years ago right after my Nana (Orona) died. My family felt her presence and was comforted as she passed on. I found this information useful again a few weeks ago when I had a dream of my Grandma (Hernandez) who passes away a year ago tomorrow (September 12. 2014). I was wrestling with some huge spiritual issues (technically I still am) and not sure of how I should go forth. Sleep had become scarce and I was feeling unsure if I had strength to continue. I repressed grieving my grandma for so many reasons (complicated grief). However I learned to cope by having her with m...

The ocean builds enough momentum underneath the water and heads for shore The mystical blues and deep purples of the water hold a story No force can stop it, for it is part of a cycle I sit on the shoreline I can see what is about to happen I feel it I smell it I can taste it Nothing can stop it so I clinch and wait The power that races forward: it's real and it's beautiful but it frightens me I do not know if this wave will be more powerful than the last. Finally the moment comes for the waves to form And funny how the the deep blue and purple waters transform into a light turquoise and soft ruffles of white outline the top What comes from below often surfaces But it transforms in the process The wave once mystical and strong crashes to the shoreline and recedes I often think of it as a force so powerful the world cannot accept and must throw back into the ocean I can relate. And for a slight moment there is a calmness from the vantage point of shore. ...

“Be like the sun for grace and mercy. Be like the night to cover others' faults. Be like running water for generosity. Be like death for rage and anger. Be like the Earth for modesty. Appear as you are. Be as you appear.”  ―  Rumi We are such complex beings with many different parts of ourselves looking for harmony within. So many factors contribute to our development and we are tasked with the journey of trying to keep ourselves "balanced" as we take in new experiences, information, and people. Some parts of ourselves are refined, finely tuned, and adjusted. Other parts are thrown out completely to make room for a completely different schema! And the work is never ending as we continue to grow. Recently I have been using Internal Family Systems theory (IFS) as a framework for my own understanding and growth. Identifying the different parts within myself has been beneficial to loving myself and honoring the ways I have learned to protect myself from pain and hurt....

Ritual: I am using this word in the terms of reputation, intention, and remembrance. Lately I am trying to figure out how to recover from my closest friends moving away...(and one still in the process of moving). I have relied on friendships to be the core of my foundation, so having people leave is hard for me. At the same time I am resting into an space that my head and heart can process some of the big themes of my life. Layer that with school, work, and an internship, which basically equates to an increase in sensitivity and longing. Some days I feel completely drained and upset that I have to keep enduring so much change! Thankfully after a good nights sleep, lovely company, and some solitude I am feeling like I can actively grow again in this season. My friend's departures were not on bad terms, yet markers of celebration: graduation, marriage, new jobs, and mission work! How could I not celebrate with them? Secretly I wish I could keep them but reframing loss has been a ...